January 2009
The power of thought.
My bed is lonely and the sheets are cold. I only want one person here with me right now. My eyelids are heavy and my conscience is filled with a complete checklist. I am listening to piano music and feel so relaxed.
My hair is a little bit blonder. My heart is a little bit fuller. Factory Party is today. I am too tired to function. I can barely move.
I’m going to bed.
Having sex and listening to jazz.
I have not slept in two days. It’s 5:20 a.m. I have never procrastinated so much in my entire life. I have an essay due in 11 hours and I don’t know even know where to begin. Philosophy is so fucked up. I have to choose a Science essay topic by 6:00 p.m. yet I don’t have any idea about that either. I still don’t have wire for my photos and I set up at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow and...
What have you done?
I am obsessed with Sailor Moon and Obama right now. I have watched the first 5 episodes of SM and I have 55 left. I should be doing school work or at least something off the never ending list of shit, but who can pass up Sailor Moon?
I’m falling asleep kind of, its 5:21 a.m. I need a job so badly but I can’t seem to get my act together. Or maybe I’m just WAY to busy.
My mom and...
Frequently in love.
Moods change and people change too. I have not had a shower in five days I don’t like that I never sleep except for the fact that Ned is a good conversationalist. I’m waiting for the new season of The L Word to load so I can watch it while I frame photos. I’m so hungry but I don’t want to move and I have to watch two shitty movies for class but I only want to watch the new...
Vodka soda.
I have renewed my love of Okotoks, band t’s, comeback kid, the postal service, center stage, staying up early, waking up late, smoking in excess, driving and watching the sun set, and love.
Taking a day off is okay sometimes.
And my art was accepted…
Saving all you got for a rainy day.
I just spoke with Ned for about four hours. I go to Vancouver on the 10th of April. I am applying for a travel and tourism internship that allows me to travel all summer for free. I am staying ahead at school. I had a really good weekend in Okotoks. People are being retarded but scotch helps to sooth that. I got drunk alone in my room and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. I hate stress, I love...
Bring me to my knees.
I fell asleep at 9 p.m. last night. I have so much homework but I just don’t really care today. I’d rather lay in the sunshine and sleep forever. I want to read a good book that actually means something to me rather than having to read a million text books. I guess this is what happens for four years and then you get your creativity back. I’m not in a school kind of mood today. I...
Attatched.
My life consists of enough bad choices to fill up an entire truck. The worst part is these bad choices make me feel wonderful at the time I make them.
I feel like I’m trapped in a bad romantic comedy movie. I’m going to be alone forever because I can’t get over anything.
My best friend barely talks to me. I don’t get it.
Honey, I need you.
So I slept for 15 hours, I failed a philosophy exam, I have been listening to Dido for the past 20 minutes and I feel really good. I watched Grey’s Anatomy, and then got really mad because Vogue is featuring too many TV starlets on their covers…I hate driving and I’m tired and in the weirdest mood ever today. So on and off. I wish I was in Paris and sitting in a park reading...
Slow down.
I’m crashing so hard. I guess that is what happens when you stay up for three days straight. I’m going to watch Pride and Prejudice for the 40 millionth time and snuggle into my blankets and sleep……at 6 p.m.
Things are good. I feel good. It was nice to see you again…
Is that alright?
I wish my life was like a fairy tale some days. Where in the end my true love comes and sweeps me away and everyone thinks you are perfect for one another and you are in a state of complete bliss. Like in Pride and Prejudice, right at the end…or Sex and the City…
Everything works out. I have hope for a real love this year, something so true nothing can tear me from it. I feel so blind...
I'm looking over my shoulder.
I want to be the olympic torch bearer. Thats all I have to say.
Can't hear you at all.
I hate every boy ever today. My mood was wonderful until about five minutes ago and I don’t know why and that is making me more pissed off. There is no one to talk to online and for some reason I feel really empty.
I don’t think any of my friends really actually care anymore and everyone is too busy to even talk for five minutes. I give up. I really do. I don’t even know what to...
Open my hands and let them weave onto yours.
There are certain nights I can remember with distinct details and some of them just all meld together into one huge night. I miss the way we used to dance the nights away, share secrets just be okay even if that was the only day in the week we were. I feel like I’m forgetting how important balance is, how important letting go is.
I really just want to get baked and think things through a...
And it hurts with every heartbeat.
Likes
Mid-day baths, facials, eucalyptus, lying around in bed all afternoon in your favourite underwear, school, proving to myself I am better than this, proving to you I can do this, my parents, my life is on track, black and white french films, renaissance history, Dr. Dre, Kings of Leon, Jean Luc Godard films, “you are a feisty minx”, staying true, reconnecting with old friends,...
When we get older.
School is good. I’m over exerting myself and trying to get ahead before I get overwhelmed. I rewrote all of my notes from the past week and have read 4 of 6 short stories i need to read for next week.
Holy fuck.
And I still never sleep which is just great…
I’m sure this entry is fairly interesting for most people. LOL
Open novels.
I’ve decided that maybe it’s time to put a lot of things behind me. People, places, things. 2009 needs to be different. I can’t let myself drop down to where I was, who I was. It’s time to finally take the high road and better myself with people who actually care about me. I’m sick of this juvenile garbage that I have managed to hold on to for so long.
I can’t...
She's got me rockin' and a rollin'.
I want to be seventeen. As soon as I turn twenty life is going to go downhill. Thats a quarter of my life over and I haven’t done anything at all.
My horoscope says my mantra for ‘09 is “My increasing success makes me grateful to be me.”…..great.
Cigarettes and guns.
My eyes are slowly shutting but yet I’m still awake. I don’t know why exactly but I seem to be captured by short clips of black and white films and then I disregard sleeping just to watch these glimpses into time. I should have been born in the sixties. Things were so much simpler then. I just want a simple life. I want my smile to always radiate and my heart to be full. Simplicity is...
There was nothing there all along.
I can’t say much today.
There is a pit residing in my stomach, my heart is an empty room and I feel safe in someone, any one’s arms. The nerves are slowly creeping up from deep inside me and I’m beginning to realize how much responsibility I have decided to take on once again.
Time management…the one thing I need to become better at and I still want Vietnamese food like...
She's come undone.
It’s early in the morning. My heart is beating fast. The taste of cranberry juice lingers in my mouth and I really want vietnamese food. I have too many things to do tomorrow and I don’t feel like going to bed. I never sleep.
I want to get really baked and sit in a feild filled with sunshine and reminice on good times. I miss summer and good people. I miss the ocean and the fresh air....
Open Sesame.
School starts on Wednesday…I feel so messed up. Like it’s not acutally happening but so excited because I know it is.
All I want to do is drink tea, listen to Death Cab, study, study, study and eat stir fry until the end of time.
Stronger.
I feel like my body is shutting down. I’m so tired all the time but I can never sleep and my stress is increasing day by day. I need something to occupy my time. Something that will distract me from the way I’m feeling now. I want to dance again, or learn to knit or draw maybe…
I just need to get out of my bed and create a simple routine I can follow so that things aren’t...
Complex heart.
There are alot of things I could say to explain how I feel right now but I don’t think it’s worth it. I don’t want to get out of bed till my first day of school.
